Mental Masturbation

This is a phrase I have been hearing about for the past few weeks and it really has pulled (no pun intended) at my curiosity. I can personally say that I fall victim to brain fapping from time-to-time. It is a way in which we can essentially disassociate from the real world and live in a fairytale of the mind. What might these thoughts consist of? Maybe taking a stroll on a beach on the Amalfi Coast while your lover makes a hearty Italian meal with locally sourced ingredients. Or spending your Saturdays flying on your private jet to wherever the fuck you want. Or fantasizing about what this business idea could do for you, the lifestyle it would enable you participate in, or the eyeballs that any amount of success would attract. All of these things, in my book, can be summed up in two words: mental masturbation.

The issue: The problem with mental masturbation is one not only of pure narcissism and disdain of your current situation, but is rooted in a sort of self-loathing towards oneself disguised as desire. It is your lower-self feeding you bullshit that leads to nothing. One thing about mental masturbation is that there is no climax. At what point is it justified? When does it pay off? I will give you a hint: It doesn’t. The issue is that it takes you from being a functional, present human to being caught up in a vicious cycle of imaginary folklore that serves you no purpose. It distracts you from the work that actually needs to be done. Seneca once said “We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” I tend to agree with the stoic. Our imagination is capable of creating the most beautiful things man has ever seen, while simultaneously serving as the one thing that can hinder us from achieving anything in this life. Mental masturbation can and will bar you from accomplishing your dreams and aspirations, as I have witnessed this first-hand from myself and others. This is not to be confused with desire. Desire is important for anyone to achieve any goals they might have set or wish to accomplish. The goalposts of desire are ever-changing. Some might even argue that desire is itself a farce. People desire something more than anything in their life, and once it is achieved they feel empty and no longer know what it is that they desire next. It is cyclical, just like mental masturbation, but necessary to get to where one wants to be. The key difference is that mental masturbation keeps you stuck. I sit, I think, I do nothing. A tale as old as time. I massage my neocortex and thalamus until I get bored with that and then log on to twitter to see what has Elon’s panties in a wad that day. For me I tend to get lost in these thoughts while driving, because that is something I do a lot of. I have this great idea, and my wheels get to spinning. I try to formulate a way to put said thoughts into action and more often than not, it turns into a jerk-fest of my imagination, hypothesizing what this would do for me if I could just figure it out. Once I identify that I am indeed succumbing to the evils of mental masturbation, I call upon some handy methods that I have formulated to counteract it.

The cure(ish): It is not easy. Living in the hell-scape that is North Louisiana is quite depressing and can be at times hopeless, so mentally escaping is the easiest way to cope. But I have found a few useful methods that allow me to positively rewire my thought process. If you too struggle with mental masturbation, gives these remedies a whirl and see if they help. (These are not earth-shattering ideas, in fact they’re quite elementary. But they help nonetheless.)

1. Address the issue. Once you acknowledge that you are indeed flicking your brains bean, cut that shit out. Repetition is key. The more you catch yourself, the more likely you are to stop wandering off mentally for large swaths of time.

2. Initiate action. Do something. Immediately focus on something that you can do right now. Read a book. Go to the gym. Call a friend. Cook something healthy. Work on a project. Write. Do anything that will divert your attention to something outside of yourself and you will find that it is greatly beneficial. This is not easy, because life itself is slow. We have the attention span of babies, thanks to social media, so everything is short and dopamine hits are a constant. If you can retrain your brain to function on a broader scale as opposed to the short-term, you can make progress. Be present and do what needs to be done today, and do it with intention. Easier said than done.

3. Write it down. I have found that when I write down what exactly is taking my attention, I can reflect on it and get to the root of what is causing this thought pattern. It also helps in reverse-engineering what it is that I desire. I am 23 and have no idea what I want out of this life. That is ok. By taking note of what is eating my time up mentally, I can then begin to solve for what it is that I truly want. This seems to be, as I previously stated, a never ending cycle of moving goalposts. But by writing it down, I am able to take note of any recurring patterns that may show up in these thoughts. Once you have identified a pattern, revert to taking action. I have found, as many others do, that taking the first step towards something typically has a snowball effect that can be used for progress.

4. Acknowledge what it is to be human. To be human is to encounter pain, suffering, and anguish. If we did not experience those things, we would be living in “heaven” or “utopia”, or whatever you want to label it as. Sure, life is about finding the beauty in all things, but to be in a state of constant stimulation and bliss is the opposite of the human experience. Embrace the shitty days. If you can find solace in the dreadful moments, the average or mediocre times will be that much more joyous. And when times are better than they have ever been, we can truly admire it for what it is. Too often we expect everything to be rainbows and butterflies, but that is not at all what life is. It is sad, it is happy. It is full of strife and heartache, and equally full of love and laughter. What you perceive is up to you. I find that when I mentally masturbate, life is more of a rollercoaster that leaves me more depressed and puzzled than I was before. At the end of the day, we must remember that we are flawed and imperfect beings, so naturally we will succumb to mental masturbation more times than we deem acceptable. As far as my life is concerned, my goal is to remain even keel throughout the ups and downs. And this is the way in which I fight the urge to mentally masturbate.

Cheers!